Two weeks left of junior year

I have only two weeks left of my junior year at WKU, and I'm both excited and sad. I really have loved being at Western, and the end of junior year means that senior year starts in August. And one year from now, I'll have two weeks left of college. (At least my undergraduate.) That scares me. A lot. But I'll get past that, I'm sure.

On to the rambling:

Adam and I are no longer together. I was tired of never being good enough, and I finally grew a pair big enough to be able to cut the ties. The way he made me feel was probably the reason I stayed with him for so long. He always made me feel as if no one else could possibly love me for me. He would seriously tell me this all the time: "You know that if it were based on looks alone, we wouldn't be dating." How the hell is that supposed to make someone feel?! Why didn't I leave him a year ago? I don't know the answer, but I'm a happier person now. Especially now that I feel as if I have some worth.

I've been known to be a self-destructive person, but I thought I was over that. That relationship and the fact that I stayed for so long apparently proved that I was not past that self-destructive "phase." I really hope that I can find someone who will actually love me for the person I am; not the person he wants me to be and not the person I will never be. I don't want to have to change everything for someone. I want to feel beautiful and I want to be told that I'm beautiful. I want to love and to be loved in return. I put everything I had into that relationship; I did whatever he wanted, and I never felt that returned. It was wasted love on my part. I must have wanted my heart crushed and that's just what I got. Looking back, I keep trying to find the reason why I stayed with him, and, at first, it was love, but then that faded and it was the comfort of being with someone that I think kept me from breaking up with him earlier.

Earlier, I found a very fitting quote: “To be loved for what one is, is the greatest exception. The great majority love in others only what they lend him, their own selves, their version of him.” –Goethe
I want to be in the exception. I want to love someone for who they are, too. I want to provide someone with the happiness and satisfaction of being loved.

*sigh* I should end here. Before I ramble too much.

Until next time...