I have only two weeks left of my junior year at WKU, and I'm both excited and sad. I really have loved being at Western, and the end of junior year means that senior year starts in August. And one year from now, I'll have two weeks left of college. (At least my undergraduate.) That scares me. A lot. But I'll get past that, I'm sure.
On to the rambling:
Adam and I are no longer together. I was tired of never being good enough, and I finally grew a pair big enough to be able to cut the ties. The way he made me feel was probably the reason I stayed with him for so long. He always made me feel as if no one else could possibly love me for me. He would seriously tell me this all the time: "You know that if it were based on looks alone, we wouldn't be dating." How the hell is that supposed to make someone feel?! Why didn't I leave him a year ago? I don't know the answer, but I'm a happier person now. Especially now that I feel as if I have some worth.
I've been known to be a self-destructive person, but I thought I was over that. That relationship and the fact that I stayed for so long apparently proved that I was not past that self-destructive "phase." I really hope that I can find someone who will actually love me for the person I am; not the person he wants me to be and not the person I will never be. I don't want to have to change everything for someone. I want to feel beautiful and I want to be told that I'm beautiful. I want to love and to be loved in return. I put everything I had into that relationship; I did whatever he wanted, and I never felt that returned. It was wasted love on my part. I must have wanted my heart crushed and that's just what I got. Looking back, I keep trying to find the reason why I stayed with him, and, at first, it was love, but then that faded and it was the comfort of being with someone that I think kept me from breaking up with him earlier.
Earlier, I found a very fitting quote: “To be loved for what one is, is the greatest exception. The great majority love in others only what they lend him, their own selves, their version of him.” –Goethe
I want to be in the exception. I want to love someone for who they are, too. I want to provide someone with the happiness and satisfaction of being loved.
*sigh* I should end here. Before I ramble too much.
Until next time...
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Blurry vision
Right now, everything is really blurry to me. I have been reading Thoreau's "Walden" (with a few 15 minute breaks) since about 8:30 this evening. I stopped reading right around 11 when my eyes were starting to sting from trying to read through the blurriness. I still have 10 pages or so left to read, but I can't force myself to do it.
Anyway. Spring break is next week and I'm . . . well, I'm not excited about going somewhere because I'm staying home, but I am excited about a week without classes. I will still be doing school work and other such things during my break, so I'm not sure how much of a "break" it will truly be. This one of the last two spring breaks I'm going to have. Forever. Agh! I should probably try to celebrate accordingly, but I don't have the funds and neither does anyone with whom I'd like to travel. (Yes, I said "with whom." Deal.) Next year, Hanna and I are going to try to go to Chicago or something, but sometimes we don't always follow through on our plans. Adam and I were planning on going to Gatlinburg this spring break, but that definitely fell through. Especially after he bought his TV and we both got hours cut at work. It would have been fun.
Tomorrow (Thursday), I have to write a paper about a topic in my major for my Research in Ad + PR class. I chose to do something with event planning, and since I want to know more about wedding planning as a career, that is the topic I chose. So I have to write a paper explaining wedding planning, the audience I would be trying to reach and why anyone should care about it. Lovely fun. At least I have to work for three hours tomorrow, so I should get it done then. And then I don't have class on Friday, so I'll get up later than usual and get the last of my stuff together and drive on up to Louisville. Yay for breaks!
Until next time...
Anyway. Spring break is next week and I'm . . . well, I'm not excited about going somewhere because I'm staying home, but I am excited about a week without classes. I will still be doing school work and other such things during my break, so I'm not sure how much of a "break" it will truly be. This one of the last two spring breaks I'm going to have. Forever. Agh! I should probably try to celebrate accordingly, but I don't have the funds and neither does anyone with whom I'd like to travel. (Yes, I said "with whom." Deal.) Next year, Hanna and I are going to try to go to Chicago or something, but sometimes we don't always follow through on our plans. Adam and I were planning on going to Gatlinburg this spring break, but that definitely fell through. Especially after he bought his TV and we both got hours cut at work. It would have been fun.
Tomorrow (Thursday), I have to write a paper about a topic in my major for my Research in Ad + PR class. I chose to do something with event planning, and since I want to know more about wedding planning as a career, that is the topic I chose. So I have to write a paper explaining wedding planning, the audience I would be trying to reach and why anyone should care about it. Lovely fun. At least I have to work for three hours tomorrow, so I should get it done then. And then I don't have class on Friday, so I'll get up later than usual and get the last of my stuff together and drive on up to Louisville. Yay for breaks!
Until next time...
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Coming to terms with it...
Back in December, I had to have surgery to remove the extra bone that I had. The area all around the incision has been really numb and painful all at the same time. It's weird because I think it's the skin that's numb and everything underneath the skin is painful.
I was (foolishly, mind you) hoping that the numb feeling would eventually go away. That basically means the nerves would have to find a way to repair themselves, which is impossible. So I'm coming to terms with the fact that I will always be without feeling in that area. I have a big scar and it hurts, and I can't feel anything on my skin, and when it itches I can't do anything about it. I hate it! There's a knot, too. It's under the scar, and I don't know what it is. I'm so tired of having to deal with issues related to me being a freak of nature. I almost wish I hadn't had the surgery, but I had to have it done because the complications of leaving the bone there were far too risky.
Damn it. I know I shouldn't be whining about a numb feeling I have. There are people who have it far worse than I do, but I would like to be able to feel something touch my skin there. I would like to feel something other than pain when I touch that area. I don't like my scar either, but I act like it doesn't bother me by wearing all types of shirts that don't cover it. I hate it. People stare at it, and I know they're wondering why I have a giant scar at the base of my neck. Nothing I wear is going to make it better. If anything, it'll just accentuate the damned scar. It's about three inches long and it's pink/red. I would love to imagine that it's actually going away, but I only put the Mederma stuff on it once a day (it says to apply three times a day) and that's because I really can't stand to touch the area that much.
Agh! I hate this. I'm actually crying over it. I will forever have that imperfection. Not that I was perfect at all before, but nerve damage is so...permanent. No procedure or exercise routine can fix that.
I should end this here. I just had to let some of that out.
-Rachel
I was (foolishly, mind you) hoping that the numb feeling would eventually go away. That basically means the nerves would have to find a way to repair themselves, which is impossible. So I'm coming to terms with the fact that I will always be without feeling in that area. I have a big scar and it hurts, and I can't feel anything on my skin, and when it itches I can't do anything about it. I hate it! There's a knot, too. It's under the scar, and I don't know what it is. I'm so tired of having to deal with issues related to me being a freak of nature. I almost wish I hadn't had the surgery, but I had to have it done because the complications of leaving the bone there were far too risky.
Damn it. I know I shouldn't be whining about a numb feeling I have. There are people who have it far worse than I do, but I would like to be able to feel something touch my skin there. I would like to feel something other than pain when I touch that area. I don't like my scar either, but I act like it doesn't bother me by wearing all types of shirts that don't cover it. I hate it. People stare at it, and I know they're wondering why I have a giant scar at the base of my neck. Nothing I wear is going to make it better. If anything, it'll just accentuate the damned scar. It's about three inches long and it's pink/red. I would love to imagine that it's actually going away, but I only put the Mederma stuff on it once a day (it says to apply three times a day) and that's because I really can't stand to touch the area that much.
Agh! I hate this. I'm actually crying over it. I will forever have that imperfection. Not that I was perfect at all before, but nerve damage is so...permanent. No procedure or exercise routine can fix that.
I should end this here. I just had to let some of that out.
-Rachel
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