Coming to terms with it...

Back in December, I had to have surgery to remove the extra bone that I had. The area all around the incision has been really numb and painful all at the same time. It's weird because I think it's the skin that's numb and everything underneath the skin is painful.

I was (foolishly, mind you) hoping that the numb feeling would eventually go away. That basically means the nerves would have to find a way to repair themselves, which is impossible. So I'm coming to terms with the fact that I will always be without feeling in that area. I have a big scar and it hurts, and I can't feel anything on my skin, and when it itches I can't do anything about it. I hate it! There's a knot, too. It's under the scar, and I don't know what it is. I'm so tired of having to deal with issues related to me being a freak of nature. I almost wish I hadn't had the surgery, but I had to have it done because the complications of leaving the bone there were far too risky.

Damn it. I know I shouldn't be whining about a numb feeling I have. There are people who have it far worse than I do, but I would like to be able to feel something touch my skin there. I would like to feel something other than pain when I touch that area. I don't like my scar either, but I act like it doesn't bother me by wearing all types of shirts that don't cover it. I hate it. People stare at it, and I know they're wondering why I have a giant scar at the base of my neck. Nothing I wear is going to make it better. If anything, it'll just accentuate the damned scar. It's about three inches long and it's pink/red. I would love to imagine that it's actually going away, but I only put the Mederma stuff on it once a day (it says to apply three times a day) and that's because I really can't stand to touch the area that much.

Agh! I hate this. I'm actually crying over it. I will forever have that imperfection. Not that I was perfect at all before, but nerve damage is so...permanent. No procedure or exercise routine can fix that.

I should end this here. I just had to let some of that out.

-Rachel